Harper Says Ya Gotta Play by the Rules

Primordial Steve Harper feels the Liberationals are not playing by the rules. Somewhere, the other day, there was a news article about The Harp Seal not liking the Liberals critisising all the stuff about Canada, Afghanistan, O’Connor’s stupidity etc……I’m sitting on the beach right now so I don’t feel like looking it up, but you can.

Anyways, the game seems to be like this: Follow Bush to the end of the cliff and jump off like a lemming. As you go down, act tough, and say that if you critisize anything it means you are not supporting the troops. Hold the handy dandy Stars and Stripes you keep in your back pocket and use it as a parachute. Call upon the American Eagle or hawk or something to rescue you. When none of this works have a hissy fit as you fall towards the rocky bottom.

When you hit the dirt blame everyone else in the world. Remove all shards and call the doctor to take the ones out of your arse. Continue life from the pit and yell about fire and brimstone and how the sinners are will perish. Talk about an election.

It’s a great game and comes with regulation plastic soldiers and real live ammo
!!!!!! You can order it online for $599.00 or pirate it from http://www.system.com.

Have fun but don’t sink my battleship.

Sunday Sermon by Crystal Methodist

Ha Hoo! Parishioners!!! This is the 4th day of Lentil. Heed these words:

Josh-Around (4:19-24);5:9-12

[The people came up out of the Michael Jordan mode on the tenth day of the first month, and they camped it up in Guygal on the east border of Jericho Beach. Those twelve stoners, which they had taken out of the Michael Jordan, Josh-Around set up in Guygal, saying to the Deadheads, “When your children ask their parents in time to come, ‘What do these stoners mean?’ then you shall let your children know, ‘Deadheads crossed over the Michael Jordan phase here on dry ground.’ For the Jack LORD your God dried up the waters of the Michael Jordan Fan Club for you until you cross dressed over, as the LORD your God did to the Red Commie Pinkos, which he dried up for us until we cross dressed over, so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the hand of the LORD is Size XLarge, and so that you may fear the Jack LORD your God forever, because fear is just so trendy”]

Jack LORD said to Josh-Around, “Today I have rolled a blunt for you to disgrace Egypt.” And so that place is called Guygal to this day.

While the Deadhheads were camped in Guygal they kept the hangover in the evening on the fourteenth day of the month in the plains of Jericho Beach. On the day after the hangover, on that very day, they had the munchies and ate the produce of the land, unleavened cakes, parched grain and Mars Bars. The manna ceased on the day they ate the produce of the land, and the Deadheads no longer had manna; they ate the crops of the land of Canada that year.
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Hello, caller number one….what’s that? You think Toblerone or Kit Kat is better to eat? Shout it out….go ahead, next caller?

Drunk Monkeys

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed to being the mastermind behind 911 and other acts of terror. It took 50 meetings over the course of years with President Bush at Gitmo for the suspiciously named Mohammed (it’s just too perfect, isn’t it?) to confess, but he finally signed ‘the papers’ after drinking The Chimp under the table.

Mohammed: ‘O.k., this time I do it so I sign the deal. I confess to all this whatever it is and my family gets millions of dollars. My cancer is incurable, so I might as well fess up to these things you say and I can also be promised eternal happiness in Muslim meets Christian Heaven. Boy, you simeons are useless with the bottle. Anyways, nice to have a friend with as much hair as me.’

Sunday Sermon by Crystal Methodist

Ha hoo! Oh parishioners! Todays, on this third day of Lentil, our sermon is from Lukewarm 13:1-9, Repent or Parish:

Now there were some present at that time who told Jesus about the Gallbladders whose blood Pilates Exersize had mixed with their sacrifices. Jesus answered, “Do you think that these Gallbladders were worse sinners than all the other Gallbladders because they suffered this way? I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish. Or those eighteen who died when the CN tower in Toronto fell on them—do you think they were more guilty than all the others living in the Metro area? I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all have to buy genetically modified perishable goods.”

Then he told this parable: “A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any. Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’

” ‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘Is this wise when City Hall has not yet approved your developement permit’ ”

So you see, do your Pilates daily and you might be hobnobbing with the town planner and get expedient re-zoning approval….hello, caller number one, go ahead please….

Famous Stupid People # 18

Bruce of Canuk Attitude correctly guessed Ontario Premier Dalton MacGuinty. I’ll do a review of his site on the side bar when I’m not so frickin’ tired (just flew in to Hilo, boy are my arms tired).

Harper’s Billions, er, I mean the Taxpayer’s…

So Harper announces a billion dollars for Toronto transit. Note how these close up pics of Harpo and Ontario Premier The Dolt MacGunity conveniently shove the premier out of the limelight?

Then Harper gives a billion dollars to farmers….a billion must be the magic number to start early campaigning.

Here at HV, we noticed his hand in the above shot….it has distinct lines that look like the fish those rascally christians use:

Just in case you can’t quite see it I had staff outline it for you:

And as if that weren’t enough….inside reports from Parliament Hill janitor, Daddy Scout says the drugs he’s taking to appear like a kinder, gentler Steve, aren’t always working. Here he is at the Canadian Briar, with wife Boreen, flipping the bird:

Hey Steve…will a billion get our troops out of Afghanistan?

Bush Goes Bushless in Brazil

While protestors hit the streets of Sao Paulo as President Bush visited Brazil to sign an ethanol deal, Georgie-boy was swinging down the streets so fancy-free after his Brazilian Wax job.

George: Well, ya know, I thought I’d surprise Laura, we kinda needed something to spruce up the marriage a bit. Sides, getting my acorns stripped gives me the rancher’s swagger I never really had before. Now when we get our first load of South ‘Merican moonshine, I can walk like I talk.

The Twins first suggested the wax job to me then when Condi said it’s where she goes to get her beard and stache removed i knew I was in the right place at the right time. That nice gal who stripped me, she was workin’ hard!

If Only They Were Normal #18 – Karl Rove

Known by some as the ‘Brains Behind Bush’, Deputy Chief of Staff, Karl Rove, has been put as the real leak behind the Plame Affair that has found Scooter Libby guilty of perjury.

If He Were Normal: ‘Hee Haw, I’m so glad I found Texas and all the big things here. This stuff if off the hook man! Me, Dick, George and Scoot are gonna spin some “Oh Brother, Where Art Thou’ down at the bayou and look for some of them thar sirens to come wadin’ out. Yup, no squealin’ like a pig for us boys, least not on this trip.

Hooooo, I’m so mella yella , think I’ll dream me up a plan to get outta Iraq and find Dickey another way to make some greenbacks, like openin’ amusement parks round the world. Heeya ha, ‘The Magic Carpet Ride’ and ‘Bong Goes the Weasel’ outta fetch a pretty penny, think?’

What and Hu’s Going On?

China’s President Hu Jintao is stepping up military spending.

The latest reports indicate Chinese toy manufacturers are taking on the fabrication of tanks and war planes, made to last two years. Most are remote controlled and could do severe damage to dogs and cats. Taiwan, the United States and North Korean citizens are warned to keep all pet gerbils and hampsters indoors as a safety precaution.

Meantime , as military buildup continues on Hawaii with Stryker units and training grounds for troops headed to Iraq, the mongoose have gone into mysterious hiding.

Sunday Sermon by Crystal Methodist

Ha hoo! Oh parishoners! Today’s service will be from

Mark Foley 23:11 – “For it is imperative we remain in denial for it is Christ’s way. Just because there were no closets in stables does not mean Christ was not a closet-case. Long hair and flowing robes maketh for insurgent queens ; do not honour the false christ for the real one wore a suit and tie.

Yay though I don’t know what I speaketh of and confusion may reign from the work of Lucifer (and he’s HOT!), truth is heard between the lines and sheets of my works. Go out and liveth the Repugnacan dream, for it is what will bring the Salvation Army to the doorsteps of the poor. ”

So dear parishioners, don’t take these words in heed…..caller number one, go ahead please……are you confused?