Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed to being the mastermind behind 911 and other acts of terror. It took 50 meetings over the course of years with President Bush at Gitmo for the suspiciously named Mohammed (it’s just too perfect, isn’t it?) to confess, but he finally signed ‘the papers’ after drinking The Chimp under the table.
Mohammed: ‘O.k., this time I do it so I sign the deal. I confess to all this whatever it is and my family gets millions of dollars. My cancer is incurable, so I might as well fess up to these things you say and I can also be promised eternal happiness in Muslim meets Christian Heaven. Boy, you simeons are useless with the bottle. Anyways, nice to have a friend with as much hair as me.’