From Harpermint Hill

December 24, 2006 at 6:24 pm 10 comments

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“Fellow Canadians, Quebecers and Albertans. Boreen, Roachel, Bin and myself wish you Glad Tidings on this Holy Day of the birth of the white skinned, blue-eyed Jesus (even though our calendar is way off from back then). I will continue to govern as the Babe in Swaddlings wishes me to and work our way towards the rapture (we’re creating it because the Bible told us so).

Once we have wiped out the earth to prove we are right, we will, er, um, well, I guess we’ll be in heaven and all you heathens will be in hell. It’s not that we want to destroy earth, it’s because we have to. We’re not insecure, honest.

Merry Christmas from Harper Corp.

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Entry filed under: Christmas, Parliament Hill, Stephen Harper, Uncategorized.

On The Twelth Day Of Christmas… From the Archives…O Santa Bin Laden

10 Comments

  • 1. The Anon  |  December 25, 2006 at 6:26 am

    “…Holy Day of the birth of the white skinned, blue-eyed Jesus ” sounds good but where Jesus was born people are of dark colour and curly hair. They must have done Michael Jackson on Jesus then.

  • 2. harpervalley  |  December 25, 2006 at 10:50 am

    anon, yes, it could have been jacko’s cosmetic surgeon or someone from the witness protection program. more likely it is the aryan implant chip the ‘christians’ wear, now on ebay , bids start at zip.

  • 3. jamie  |  December 25, 2006 at 9:41 pm

    I just KNEW it. I’ve long suspected that Canadians were up to no good – “once we have wiped out the earth to prove we are right” – but never really fully appreciated the scale of the problem. Holy armageddon and floods, Batman, the Canadians are plotting darkly. Sheesh.

    Oh, you can pretend all you like that there’s a split between the heathens and the Jesus lickers – but you don’t fool me. The whole damn mob of you are in it together. Rest assured that I will be writing to someone in authority in a very firm manner and demanding that they do something about it.

    So Winston Churchill was right, after all, when he warned the world (in 1952): “never, under any circumstance, should a British subject allow himself to trust his duplicitous Canadian cousin. That way lies the end of days. If you are in any doubt, my fellow Britons, check out their scheming on the internet. Yes.”

    It was a famous speech, right enough, and my head is convinced it happened. That’s all the proof I need.

    I’m ill.

    Kind regards etc

  • 4. harpervalley  |  December 26, 2006 at 2:22 am

    jamie….canadians have long had alien blood and been waiting to take over the world by slathering it in maple syrup and cheddar cheese. secret sources reveal that hockey pucks will be implanted into the brains of enemies……..we are a dark, dark nation, be afraid.

  • 5. The Anon  |  December 26, 2006 at 5:57 am

    “..we are a dark, dark nation..”. I thought we were white nation – blues eyes and blond hair. Jesus wanted us that way 🙂 He wanted his followers to be just like him 🙂 Only dark things we like are hockey pucks of course. Jamie has to worry about them.

  • 6. jamie  |  December 26, 2006 at 6:38 am

    Tell me something I don’t know. The cheese and maple syrup conspiracy is well known to the movers and shakers at the highest levels of the US administration, for example.

    I sent George Bush a letter (I chose “m” after some deliberation) and he got back to me, saying:”Ma fellow Murkan” – I’m actually Scottish, but chose to overlook the slander as I firmly believe we are all American now as we wage this War On Canadians – “never misunderestimate the threat posed by Kanda and her godless folk – multi much of whose speak Parisian, after all. Ah’ve been praised of the situation and fully tend to, ah, dis-adopt a policy of containersment by Thursday. Tough on Canadians, tough on the causes of Canadians – it’s the only way backwards. Thanks for your letter and may God bless these Unites states of Murkah. Howdy.”

    Wise words from a wise man, I’m sure you’ll agree. And a very clear warning to Canadians to mind how they go.

    Incidentally, please don’t try to distract me with ridiculous lines about hockey pucks. That’s just silly. Surreal, almost. Nice try, but it won’t work. We’re on to you and there’s no place left to hide.

    So here’s a thing, Canadian, hows about you being afraid instead of telling me to be. Your days are pitifully numbered as the armies of the righteous – the Murkans and me – amass to your south. The cry is sweet freedom and down with the French and the blood on our hands will be yours.

    We march at dawn.

    (Happy Christmas, though)

  • 7. harpervalley  |  December 26, 2006 at 11:42 am

    the anon… canada’s white skinned blue eyed disguise is being discovered by people like jamie. damn, here stevie boy thought we’d never be discovered!!!! jamie had better be worried, very worried.

    jamie….your indepth reporting/research skills may have unveiled some findings, but in the end, our prime minister will send his goons with the small , black, hard biscuits and tell you to ‘puck off’. bush, blair, paris hilton and the ghost of mother theresa past will not be able to help you. you will be detained in an igloo at zitmo (so named because prisoner food consists of putine and laura secord choclates).

    until then a herd of highland cows will be sent your way , saddled, and you’ll have to ride ’em like the cowboys at the stampede…..this is in prep for the canuk takeover , a cultural introduction.

  • 8. The Anon  |  December 26, 2006 at 12:59 pm

    Scout, I thought for Bush we were sending pretzels. For Cheney new powerful hunting gun. Cows are imported from Britain to be sent to U.S. These cows are mad because of Tony’s kowtowing to Bush.

  • 9. jamie  |  December 26, 2006 at 3:08 pm

    The Anon – another recklessly violent contribution on your part. And for your information Tony, our Dear Leader, kowtows to nobody. Get your facts straight, for pity’s sake. Blair told Bush (variously) to: invade Afghanistan but stint on aid; invade Iraq but stint on aid and troops; lie about stuff; mess up a whole heap of things; become widely loathed; mumble.

    If you can find any one of these things that Bush did not heed Blair’s advice on – I’ll knife my dog (and I really love her, by the way). If, however, you accept that Bush did all of these things, then you must accept the influence that Blair exerts. Kowtow? Hardly. That looks suspiciously like a partnership of equals to me. You must feel so stupid.

    Canada already stands on the brink of war with the rest of the world, and so it ill behoves you to be so careless with your words. These things have a habit of sparking technicolour bloodbaths. Which is great if you happen to be a photo-journalist in need of some work – but for the rest of us it’s just something to laugh at on TV before getting back to counting our money. So please, please, rein yourself in.

    Harpervalley – I need to take a little time to consider your latest response, because you give every indication of being sicker than I am.

    I’ll be back. In the meantime, keep up the work.

    kind regards etc….

  • 10. jamie  |  December 27, 2006 at 9:18 am

    Hello Harpervalley or is it Scout?

    I’ve taken some legal advice and find it has become necessary to apologise, praise you, and seek Canadian citizenship. My lawyer is a wise man (dissolute, yes, but wise nevertheless) and he can see which way the wind is blowing.

    I am no match, it seems, for the debauched knavery that resides in these pages – respect. And little can be done to prevent the imminent Canadian takeover of pretty much, you know, the whole world and stuff.

    I am busily learning igloo and Canuk and am, in fact, saddled up and astride the hielan’ coo you sent as I write this. A crushing acceptance of the superior fire power I – we, the good guys, non-Canadians – face. Whilst you are clearly deeply unstable, I cannot help but admire this trait. It feels a little like looking in the mirror. And I just love doing that, actually.

    All together now……

    O Canada
    Our home and native land
    True patriot love in all thy sons command.
    With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
    The True North strong and free……..

    …………O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

    And just to be safe and cover all my bases…..

    Ô Canada
    Terre de nos aïeux,
    Ton front est ceint de fleurons glorieux
    Car ton bras sait porter l’épée,
    Il sait porter la….Nah. I’ll only take my abject capitulation so far. Singing in French is a little more than even I am prepared to do.

    Yours, properly Canadian soon,

    Jamie


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