Sunday Sermon with Crystal Methodist

November 19, 2006 at 9:53 am 8 comments

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Ha Hoo! Time for Sunday Sermon:

Lukewarm: Thou shalt be boring and bland. Shaketh thy son’s hand and go out into the world as a Puritan for thou art fat and would look revolting in a speedo.

Salt Peter: Thou shalt not engage in carnal knowledge until thou art 29 and married. It is only then you may take your bride’s maidenhead and bubmle incompetently under the sheets. Begat many times to increase power.

Tit-us: Do not touch the sacred orbs unless thou art prepared to assume missionary position.

Hey Jude: Don’t be afraid, take a sad song and make it better by going forth door knocking and gay bashing.

John: Disguise thyself unto fallen women; pay half price and put the savings in the collection plate.

James Last: Thou shall follow thy Father’s duty and blast sermons in elevators.

Phillipinos: Go forth to Asia to rid the yellow peril of imperialism. Thou hast the gravest duty to demonstrate white superiority for Jesus, our sacred babe in swaddlings, desireth no one knows he was mid-eastern and looked so. When He returns upon this earth He shall be issued a passport and blue contact lenses, have his hair cutteth into helmut shape and be declared white skinned and Canadian born.

Don’t forget the Real Woman’s Auxillary tea after the service, and Wednesday Bingo Night has new dab-a-dots for sale with ‘Psalms of Gambling’ engraved on them!!!

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Entry filed under: Bible, Crystal Methodist, Humour, Religion, Sermon, Stephen Harper.

Steve at A.P.E.C. If Only They Were Normal #14 – Pope Benedict XVI

8 Comments

  • 1. Bill-Muskoka  |  November 19, 2006 at 12:42 pm

    scout,

    Thank you…that helped the environment because I didn’t have to drive to a church, and besides, CM’s SS is far more enlightening!

    You did neglect Jesus’ comment to Mary Magdalene ‘Do believe the bunch of schmucks I gathered? HELP!’

  • 2. harpervalley  |  November 19, 2006 at 12:45 pm

    bill, it is CM;s pleasure to provide online help….you can confess your sins to her too.

    as for mr. christ’s comment, CM decided to leave it out today for something closer to the christianmas holipay season 🙂

  • 3. Sheena  |  November 19, 2006 at 1:04 pm

    Well, the Christmas juggernut starts earlier and earlier every year. Sooey’s already set a high bar on that topic:

    http://www.sooeys.com/blogs/sooeysays/2006/11/its_the_christmas_stupid.html

  • 4. harpervalley  |  November 19, 2006 at 1:48 pm

    sooey’s hilarious!!!!

  • 5. Bazz  |  November 19, 2006 at 4:36 pm

    “Salt Peter: Thou shalt not engage in carnal knowledge until thou art 29 and married. It is only then you may take your bride’s maidenhead and bubmle incompetently under the sheets. Begat many times to increase power.”

    This reminded me of an excellent old Onion article: here.

  • 6. harpervalley  |  November 19, 2006 at 5:37 pm

    bazz, jesus, i almost peed my pants reading that!!!! TOO FUNNY!

  • 7. havril  |  November 19, 2006 at 7:16 pm

    Scout, were you my Sunday school teacher? Quick — speak in other tongues!

  • 8. harpervalley  |  November 19, 2006 at 7:41 pm

    havril…..sdfluoen skehwe kd aow nwehyao ehaoahe aoice adf. yes, i was, now be a good boy and let jesus fuck you.

    does this mean…..could it be…..that havril HAS A NEW POST????????? he’s my funny guy blogger, but oh, what one has to do to get him to post. don’t worrry, i have my husband’s permission.


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