Sunday Sermon by Crystal Methodist

November 5, 2006 at 6:45 am 7 comments

crystalmethodist.jpg
Ha hoo!!!! Good Sunday morning, parish! Now tut tut tut, I hear someone’s been using my name in vein! Mr. Haggard, yoo hoo, that’s you! I warned you before, now you’ll get skinny and scabs will form on your face. Don’t bother trying to keep up with the Jones’, or is that keeping it up for them, hoo hoo hoo.

Mr. Hussein, bad boy! You shouldn’t have stalled on your trial, now they’re using you to boost the republican votes for the G.O.P. by sentencing you on Sunday. Timing, it’s all about timing! Would you listen to the little birdie who warned you , no no no!

And Mr. Harper, cancelling your meeting with the European Economic Union because you’re afraid about critism on your environmental policy , or should I say lack of? Stand up like a big boy, the flock wants leadership not sinking ships!

Gentlemen, that’s a lot of extra ruples to put in the collection plate this week to keep me happy. The good church needs painting and maintenance. That’s why we love sinners. Wealthy sinners. Back to your antics BUT DON’T GET CAUGHT, remember, Miss Methodist knows what you’re up to, the media doesn’t need to also.

*NOTE – The sidebar ‘Haggard is a Faggard’ neon sign on the sidebar gives us a whole new word. FAGGARD: a closet homo-phobe willing to act as a traitor to his own sexual community by actively working to denouce gays’. Yup, Haggard is a Faggard.

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Entry filed under: Haggard, Harper, Hussein.

Ted Haggard…’I Never Inhaled’ Saddam Hussein – Hanged Man Reversed

7 Comments

  • 1. The Anon  |  November 5, 2006 at 1:59 pm

    Crystal Methodist, is very current on information. It looks she has good relations with all the biggies in politics, evangelism and other fields. Good for her.
    She is a quite a magnet for all of them. Haggarg offered his life over her.

  • 2. harpervalley  |  November 5, 2006 at 3:20 pm

    the anon….ha! she’s a real woman and one heck of a magnet. her ‘little birdies’ reach far and wide, she has the scoop on most everyone. nothing like people like her to stand guard over the collection plate and make sure they put in the max. yes, haggard offered his life over her, when you live life as a lie you have to bury your pain somehow. when that lie is projected onto others then you drive the road to your own demise.

  • 3. Q  |  November 5, 2006 at 4:28 pm

    Oh the irony, crystalmethodist, Haggard the entire right.
    I hope all of this hypocrisy reaches a climactic peak and ejaculates Tuesday with a sweep of these clowns.
    Then we can all relax with a cigarette.

  • 4. harpervalley  |  November 5, 2006 at 5:37 pm

    Q, i’ve got my cigarette and lighter next to me. but i’m still waiting for monday’s headlines about saddam…..or to see if they pull off another ‘terrorist act’ or what. jeb may have been to every polling station in the u.s. by now and jerked off in them.

  • 5. LeDaro  |  November 5, 2006 at 8:35 pm

    Quite a gal:)

  • 6. JJ  |  November 5, 2006 at 11:27 pm

    Hahoo, Crystal Methodist! I’ve come to confess and be forgiven for having way too much fun at the expense of Teabagger Haggard. Am I on the highway to hell or what? If so, can I reserve a window seat?

  • 7. harpervalley  |  November 6, 2006 at 1:13 am

    miss jj…you’re not one of our regular flock. the highway to hell has several roadside view points where you can turn in , look at inferno and decide whether to repent or not. if you do, we have it set up so we can garnishee your wages for a suitable amount , depending on the sin.

    on the sin scale of 1-10 (10 being the wrost), the church board has deemed making fun of haggard at 1. this means only 10% of your earnings need go to the collection plate. you even have the option of eartagging whether you want it to go to the ‘save the stained glass window of the babe in swaddlings clutching a lamb before he sacrifices it’, the ‘let’s restore the mary alter so she doesn’t look like the black madonna’, or ‘please, let’s paint the outside so it stands out in gallant colours.

    window seat reservations will cost more for the road to hell, and the road to salvation seating is on a first come, first save basis.

    ta ta!


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