Ted Haggard…’I Never Inhaled’

November 4, 2006 at 6:12 am 10 comments

haggart.jpgNow that Evangelist Ted Haggart has been exposed for buying crystal meth and ‘being massased’ by gay prostitute Mike Jones. He had this to say to Harper Valley:

“i never inhaled. I drew on the pipe and watched the cloud of white smoke waft across the room, but I never inhaled. And as for Mike Jones, I never swallowed. I was tempted by both, but God stopped me. Honest…I thought it was Mike’s big toe and was part of the massage. The meth, well I thought it was a Crystal Methodist product for lumbago. Her ads are so compelling and I thought it would bring me closer to The Big Guy.

The Mike Jones bit, it was really only to advance my career, er, I mean bring the truth to people about homosexualty being wrong. Ya, that’s it, I was doing an expose on the life of queers. It was all sermon fodder. Everything, all of it. Drug and gay expose. I don’t lie, I’m not lying, ask my midnight park partner, President Bush. I mean, the man I advise. That’s my foot in my mouth, honest, it’s just my foot.’

HV didn’t have to say a word.

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Entry filed under: crystal meth, gay, George Bush, Humour, Mike Jones, Politics, Ted Haggard.

If Only They Were Normal #12 – Dick Bruce Cheney Sunday Sermon by Crystal Methodist

10 Comments

  • 1. Q  |  November 4, 2006 at 3:05 pm

    Right wing sex is icky because they’re all creepy over there. Repressed hypocrites. Seriously, can you imagine being intimate with Tom Delay or Cheney or any right wing evangelist? Yuck.

  • 2. Bruce  |  November 4, 2006 at 3:52 pm

    I’ll bet that famous I never inhaled line was the first thing that popped into everyone’s mind, it was for me, didn’t even have to think about it. Ha!

  • 3. JJ  |  November 4, 2006 at 5:00 pm

    LOL Bruce, that was the first thing I thought of, too: “Yes, but did he inhale?” We’re baaaaad doggies!

    Q– thanks a lot buddy, I really needed the visual of a naked Tom Delay or Deadeye Dick first thing in the a.m. (or anytime, really). ::heave::

  • 4. harpervalley  |  November 4, 2006 at 5:37 pm

    Q, hahahaha, way to gross everyone out! you’re ‘right wing sex’ remains a classic!

    bruce, and of course i’m one of the goofy ones that had to run with the line. ah well, we need the goofs of the world, right?

    jj, i’m going to have to send you a celine dion autographed air canada barf bag. we’ve all been getting our purges thanks to Q and the kind folks who bring us ‘right wing sex scandals’. i just can’t help think when bush, condi etc. will get caught for their personal lives. if clinton used a cigar, i don’t even want to THINK what georgie does!!!!!!! ahhhhhh, just grossed myself out, where’s the barf bag?!?!?!?!!!!!!

  • 5. bcwaterboy  |  November 4, 2006 at 6:29 pm

    As this story progresses we will inevitably evolve from: I didn’t know that prostitute…I didn’t take drugs…to ok, I did know him and he gave me a massage…I did try to buy meth but tossed $200 worth into the garbage…to…he tried to touch my penis but I told him only fags touch another man’s penis and they’re going to hell…I tried just a little wee bit of meth…but, I didn’t finish it…run the tape forward…ok, while he did fuck me once, but only once and yes, I wanted him to fuck my meth damaged brains out…to, I only saw him on two occasions and, and… the massage made me all hard…what was I supposed to do…go out of the hotel with a hard on?
    Man, this is going to get good…please, please someone bring down one of these blowhards in Canada.

  • 6. LeDaro  |  November 4, 2006 at 8:01 pm

    Good stuff.

  • 7. Bill-Muskoka  |  November 4, 2006 at 11:26 pm

    ROFLMAO!

  • 8. harpervalley  |  November 5, 2006 at 12:22 am

    waterboy, i think you’re hired as the columnist to cover this!!!!!! πŸ™‚

    ledaro, merci beaucoup, the comments are good , yes?

    bill, and for a more serious take check out b.c. waterboy’s piece on this, and bruce at canuk attitude. welll done stuff!!!!

  • 9. Annamarie  |  November 5, 2006 at 5:37 am

    You guys are all sooo funny!! And Scout is pure , unadulterated, genius!!! I’m speechless, everyone here said it all!! Great stuff!!! ROLFMAO!!!

    Scout, send me some Celine barf bags too! LOL

    btw, love your new site! Looks great!! And it’s so easy to post comments now. If only I would be puter savvy enough to do likewise….

    sorry I haven’t been around here, but Scout, you know how busy I am helping with the campaigns when I’m not being sick… I’ll be back to regular visiting after the 13th. Keep up the great, irreverantly funny work! Best regards to everyone!! πŸ™‚

  • 10. harpervalley  |  November 5, 2006 at 6:18 am

    annamarie!!! great to see you, and yes, realize how busy you are !!!!! very important work you’re doing though (for anyone who doesn’t know, annamarie is a constant on the peace movement and other activist activities).

    thanks for the compliments, and who knows, maybe you’ll get set up here yet too πŸ˜€

    oh, three dozen CASES of celine dion barf bags on their way πŸ™‚


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