Crystal Methodist

October 8, 2006 at 1:14 am 19 comments

crystalmethodistsmaller.jpg
It’s Sunday, meet Crystal Methodist, your Gal of Gawd who can help opiate the masses with sermons as ripe as the poppies growing in Afghanistan. Crystal’s a bit of an enigma but we do know she’s a spinster ever chasing the eligable bachelor, Theo Cracy, a church elder known for his savvy at getting parishoners to put a few extra fins and sawbucks into the collection plate.

Crystal;s not ordained but does tend to the flowers and bookeeeping, and if you’re in her path she’ll deliver her own version of The Good Book. Let’s listen to a nanno second of her pental-accosting the Smith’s as they leave Our Lady of Perpetual Borrow –

“Ha hoo! Smith’s, oh Smithies!!! Don’t forget Matthew 21:05 and Peter 18:03 when you go to poker tonight. A little birdie told me. I want to see any winnings put in the plate!!!’.

You get the drift, but ya gotta love her for keeping track of the flock.

*Crystal was inspired by JJ at Unrepentant Old Hippie and her recent post on likening religion to crack.

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If Only They Were Normal #10- Michael Ignatieff “Take That, American Pig Dog!”

19 Comments

  • 1. The anon.  |  October 8, 2006 at 6:41 am

    I heard that she does have a lot of fans. People will kill to see her and have communion with her. People will go to great length to make their contribution to her collection. What has she got that others do not?

  • 2. Scout  |  October 8, 2006 at 9:51 am

    the anon, she has that certain je’ne cest quoi that comes from only once source, gawd the father and the holy ghost of diefenbaker past. Miss Methodist is available to answer your questions.

  • 3. Q  |  October 8, 2006 at 11:22 am

    Yes, religion is the opiate of the masses but this creature is just plain disturbing, as always πŸ™‚

  • 4. Scout  |  October 8, 2006 at 11:24 am

    heh heh πŸ™‚
    what, no questions to ask MISS Crystal???

  • 5. Bill-Muskoka  |  October 8, 2006 at 2:52 pm

    scout,

    GENIUS! Pure GENIUS! ROFLMAO!

  • 6. Scout  |  October 8, 2006 at 9:26 pm

    bill, now now, crystal saw you peeking at the playboy on the store rack the other day πŸ™‚

  • 7. JJ  |  October 9, 2006 at 5:50 am

    Looks like the woman I set the dogs on the other day.

    I’m actually surprised the religious door-knockers don’t spontaneously combust the moment they set foot on my property. I’ll have to work on that.

  • 8. Scout  |  October 9, 2006 at 7:27 am

    jj, what, you’ve got a lot of fertilizer spread on the lawn or something?

  • 9. Anonymous  |  October 9, 2006 at 7:38 am

    jj, you know your blog does not open. It is just an empty space on my computer.

  • 10. Bill-Muskoka  |  October 9, 2006 at 8:01 am

    scout,

    ‘bill, now now, crystal saw you peeking at the playboy on the store rack the other day :)’

    Hehehehe, imagine how upset she would be if it had been a copy of Play Girl, or the ‘Congressional Pages Photo Directory’?

  • 11. Scout  |  October 9, 2006 at 10:46 am

    the anon….that was my fault on the link, now it’s corrected. if anyone has heard of drugstore eyeglasses that are for intermediate sight (AS IN COMPUTER SCREENS!),, not just the readers as they dont work for this distance, please let me know!!! i’m reading people’s posts wrong too 😦

    bill, ha, that would be an even better scenario!!! my husband grew up in a small saskatchewan town where the baptist church blasted their sermons outside to the town. but drive up to the next two towns and there were the pious at the bar and with the women. hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

  • 12. Bill-Muskoka  |  October 9, 2006 at 11:23 am

    scout,

    A primary reason for noise by-laws I think!

  • 13. Scout  |  October 9, 2006 at 4:03 pm

    noise bylaws, boys and toys bylaws, they really are a strange, strange group. hubby’s family was one of three non-baptists in the town of 400. guess who didn’t get to play much hockey or anything else? tight knit quarters. ask hubby what he thinks of religion (be prepared for a tyrade, which is very unusual for him).

  • 14. Bill-Muskoka  |  October 9, 2006 at 4:56 pm

    scout,

    Baptists, after getting to heaven (highly questionable) are found in the basement praying, and thinking they are the only ones there! Your hubby and I could do a massive flame on them…trust me!

  • 15. Scout  |  October 9, 2006 at 7:48 pm

    oh i’m sure…..he’s told me many a tale. the northern baptists are at least a bit different from the south, but , same old hypocrisy.

    m.p. gary breitkreuz (mr. no gun control hiimself) is a hard core baptist.

  • 16. Bill-Muskoka  |  October 9, 2006 at 8:22 pm

    scout,

    Here is a a simple scale…Northern Baptists…pucker factor of 7, Southern Baptists (Texas esepcially)…pucker factor of 12 on a scale of 1 to 10!

    But those snake loving, tongue speaking Pentacostals beat them both!

    Did you know, and I quote Paul Harvey, that Elvis’ mother was a shimmey shammey Pentecostal and taught Elvis how to do his thang? There is the rest of the story!!!!

  • 17. Scout  |  October 9, 2006 at 10:26 pm

    did she also teach him to go for 14 year old girls in white panties?

  • 18. Bill-Muskoka  |  October 10, 2006 at 3:20 pm

    scout,

    I don’t remember that one. But hey, 16 y.o.’s still go for such things. LOL

  • 19. cheezwhiz  |  October 10, 2006 at 7:28 pm

    Ewww, Crystal has cankles.


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